how could you hate your life so much?

I see no point in life. Why the hell did I choose to do science? I fucking hate my life. I'm exhausted, low in energy and motivation, all thanks to uni and work. great! not to think that there are 200000000000000000000000000000000000000000 assignments about to be due within the next few days, 3 exams coming up in a month's time and at least 2 presentations and 2 tests before the exams. honestly, how the fuck am I going to get these done in the state that I'm in now?

It was my fault that I didn't double check my stupid prac B assignment.
It was my fault that I didn't pay attention in microbiology.
It was my fault that I didn't revise enough for that biochemistry test.
It was my fault for not knowing what happened in Prac A.

It will be my fault if I don't complete that prac C assignment on time.
It will be my fault if I don't wake up in time tomorrow.
It will be my fault if I don't go to work on time.
It will be my fault if I don't complete my genetics tutorial by tonight.
It will be my fault if I don't answer the questions in prac B correctly and resume this futile cycle of blame again next week.

I just feel so incompetent. why am I ever so insecure? everytime I think I did okay in something, that something will always screw up. why did i do science? why didn't i just do something that had little contact hours so I could enjoy being with friends, and be able to depend on myself rather than leeching off my parents? And its not like science will lead me to a bright future, I will still have to sell my soul in this commerical world when i get a job. so why bother with doing science and just do commerce where the chances of getting a job is higher and you could have a bit less contact hours.

I realise I cannot balance the two - uni and work. both require too much time. If i were to do well in uni I have to study and give up work. its probably the only way it could work. i barely have enough time to myself anymore. why should I go through this same crap again when I have had been through year 12 already??? I don't deserve this. even catching up with friends is impossible, even eating lunch is impossible, even doing anything besides studying is impossible. I hate this life.

now are u asking me a question or ridiculating me?

This girl I know from some friend has heard the news that I lost weight and totally started asking me about it over msn (almost the entire population at our high school have heard about it). So I told her that I went on a GI diet. yes a GI diet and told her to read up on it. later on, she continued her questioning and kept on asking me about the GI value for milk, fruits, and rice. seriously, didn't I tell you to go read it and understand it yourself? its nice of me to share my success "secret" with you already, now, which part of go read the GI table don't you understand? it almost feels like she's embarassing me. and keep in mind she is like this thin thing and does not need to diet. gosh where the hell did i find these people? wait i didn't. i never did anything to her and i don't know what the hell she wants from me. gosh i wish i just blocked her. perhaps that is the right action.

I would be absolutely fine if a close friend asked me about my diet in excruciating details, but i just feel weird when people who i'm not close to ask me about personal stuff and particularly when they don't need to go on a diet. I just get weird about it and start feeling angry and protective. honestly, so what if i lost weight? i need to be healthy it is the name my parents chose for me, which states their wish. i know it almost sounds like some sort of lame reason to cover my vanity but the truth is simply that. surely there are always other positive sides than just being healthy ;) but then being healthy is more important. and I need to set a role model for my obese cousins so that they will do the same and not get diabetes when they turn 27.
well I guess being questioned about ur diet is no big deal, perhaps i should learn to be more open about things and not get disturbed emotionally so easily. sigh, but i am me.

part 2 of last wednesday story

so my biochemistry tutor DID hear my express of contempt against her anarexic diet and her harsh attitude. In tutorial today, she deliberated said' its okay to express your irritations of the tutorial questions, and to express your irritations of me'. its sooooo directed at me. and she also had to mention that she takes sleeping pills to proof that I was right that she does have psychological disorders. gosh she so planned it. and as she said it u're just like ' its so planned, stop faking it you suck at acting, get Aminah to teach you!!!!' and when she handed something to me she had to force her smile, just like I did.

but i guess she's okay cause she got her revenge (kinda, lets look out for my biochem tutorial mark, i'm sure it'll be brilliant and that would be the perfect place to look for revenge!). besides, she also purposely mentioned something about tutorial participation mark, i think it was a supposed treat but who knows. meh, who cares. In tutorial today she also praised someone for questioning. hmm.... hypocrite.

Why I would not make a good teacher....

We had a test in Microbiology today and we had to swap paper with the one next to us. So I swapped with this girl, and thought she was really nice (cause she automatically turned to me instead of some other guy next to her). then, she got quite a few questions wrong, and I felt sooo bad each time I putted a red cross on her paper. *sigh* And I tried so badly to give her the maximum marks possible. like there was this question where we had to produce a graph (it was out of 2 marks), she had the labels all correct except her line was incorrect. so usually you give her zero, but I still gave her one. and yet she didn't score very well at the end of the test. I hope she's okay, I feel terribily bad, I just can't be a teacher, I just don't know how I could put a cross on someone's incorrect answer. Jebus, I am so pathetic. I totally understand the feeling that you put so much effort in and you misinterpretted the question and get zero. gosh sometimes it sucks to be a student. but i hope she does better next time. study hard! study hard!

this is why you shouldn't bitch about people during daytime, or near where you JUST had your tutorial....

I have a habit of bitching. I am a bitch. I admit all these things. but seriously, sometimes this mouth gets me in heaps of trouble....

My biochemistry is at 9:00 every wednesday. This means I have to get up at around seven thirtyish - eight to catch the bus, but as I'm usually not punctual. I catch the 8:30 bus and get to uni at around 9:15. by the time I get to my biochem tutorial's location, I'm already 20 minutes or so late. anyway, I didn't do one of the questions in the tutorial paper, and asked a question relevant to the theory behind that tutorial question. My dear dear biochemistry tutor of course had to say something along the lines of 'you didn't do that question. if you had done it, you would have understood the theory and wouldn't be asking me.' so um of course I was patronised, and due to my nature, I was resentful that she had been so harsh to me.

so after the tutorial, I bumped into a friend of mine and started telling her how my biochemistry tutor was a total bitch, an anarexic chick who is a perfectionist. (she once proclaimed to be a perfectionist in the tutorial. also, she has a body of a model's. Think thin, think paper thin!) Of course I said all of these out of resentment and totally enraged, and then I noticed she was not very far in front of where my friend and I were.....

oh fuck, now I'll be having 2/10 or even less for tutorial participation, and probably made her cry..... *sigh* i'm so rude, and bitchy, its just not funny anymore.... I feel horribly guilty as I write this....I hope she's okay.... she seems like she might be affected by some sort of psychological disorder... gosh why am I so impulsive? argh damn..... I guess she did have a reason to be angry at me, not puntual and didn't do tutorial (I did all of them, except that one). but still she didn't have the right to be a bitch to me anyway, if she heard it then good for her, she needs to learn how to treat people better ( okay, I'm a huge hypercrite...). and I on the other hand, should stop bitching about people, and stop being so defensive on one's self esteem, and let them abuse me.... (not!)

What's been happening?

Long time no post.... My sincere apology to this blog and its readers. not that I have interesting posts or many readers anyway.... but anyhoo.... well these days as uni commencement approaches ever so closely my holidays are about to end... its quite sad really, 3 months of holidays and yet i feel like I have done NOTHING at all. isn't that really sad? how quickly did time pass? how the hell did i live for these past 3 months? hmm these are the questions that I don't think I have the answer to....

I guess I kinda have been working heaps this month. trying to cash in before super high fee tertiary education resumes and draws all that I have worked for from my account. *sigh* sometime I think tertiary education is costing students too much. seriously, we have 3 months holidays at the end of the year, plus 2 2weeks term breaks and a 3 weeks semester break. that adds up to almost 5 months of holidays. the time we spent in uni is less than the time we spent in high school, but in comparison of the two, uni costs us 10 times more than high school. wouldn't it make more sense if high school costed more than uni fees? when really high school is a teenage day care. and we have to do less subjects than we did in high school which means we are learning less. but still they charge us hundreds of dollars on a subject that only has 3 lectures a week and 1 tutorial. geez anyway enough of me complaining....

Cheers for the Sesame Street gang for all that they do for children.

The Egyptian version of Sesame Street encourages literacy and empowerment for girls in a male dominated culture. The South African version of Sesame Street educates children about HIV. The Israeli-Palestinian edition teaches the importance of mutual understanding.

I'm just fascinated about how one children tv show can have such profound impact on each generation. And there are so much more thoughts and intelligence being putted into this show than what were on when I was a kid. I love it how the characters and the show remains pretty much the same but each country has its own focus on particular issues that they want to educate their kids about. And on that note I'm changing from Kermit to another muppet. I shall decide soon.

memoirs of a geisha [this entry is rated [S] it contains spoilers]

so I went to see memoirs of a geisha today with Nei and Karmen. I was supposed to see it with Ratchel and Micole as well but they didn't show up. hmm.... apparently Ratchel had an optometrist appointment and Micole just slept in. anyway having only read quarter of the book before I went into the theatre, the film focused more on the romance story of a geisha and a man than a life of a geisha to make the movie more marketable. Seriously I got so bored of the book that I returned it after reading it for like 2 days. Luckily the film wasn't as boring but was trying so hard to be exoticly artistic. I have alot of criticism for this film but first we'll talk about the main wrong I've found with it.

This film follows the life of a little girl who was sold to become a servant at a house of geishas but eventually became a geisha. a geisha is an artistic whore who performs for the rich people, okay that was my definition but its close enough anyway. so one day, a rich stranger who was at least 35+ saw this little girl (9 years old at the time) and bought her sweet ice (a japanese dessert, have u had it before saathi when u were in japan?). the little girl fell in love with this man, and decided to become a geisha to get close to him. so she became a geisha and after many misunderstandings etc etc they found out they both loved each other.

okay so he was 35 at the time and she was 9. by the time she became a full geisha she would have been what 20? and he would be 55??? gosh how wrong is that? and he clearly remembered her being the little girl that he once saw years ago. seriously would any decent old man sleep with a little girl he once bought sweet ice for? the man is almost a paedaphile, except was a patient one who waited till she was legal to have sex with. god damn, and she was so stupid to fall for him after all these long years. it makes no sense what so ever. i want to smack the scriptwriters! sorry, i might seem conservative but my maximum age difference between a couple is 10 years, anymore than that is wrong, and of course you would say I'm naive and we could argue for years what the appropriate age difference between a couple should be. but to save us the bickering, don't even start. its my opinion, if you don't like it, leave it.

secondly, while the little girl was being trained to become a geisha, her mentor was like 'we are geisha, we sell our skills but not our bodies'. and then when Sayuri (the little girl who now was a geisha) was ready as a geisha, her mentor was like yeah we will sell your virginity to the highest bidder. i mean what the fuck? what a load of shit! a geisha is a whore, only more elegant and more talented and has received proper training in entertaining customers. so stopping being hypocritical and just admit it. no need for all those excuses.

thirdly, sayuri is japanese, and hello blue eyes??? what the hell?

now that I'm done critising the plot, I will now critise the film.

1. the whole movie should have been done in japanese with english subtitles. honestly it would have been better, it was so difficult to hear what they were actually saying.
2. number 2- perhaps the should have got japanese actresses to do the film. Ziyi Zhang is pretty and elegant but honestly she cannot act. her acting is rather dissappointI have no idea how she got nominated for Best Actress at the Golden Globes. Gong Li was surprisingly better and was generally delivered a more dynamic and persuasive performance than Ziyi Zhang.
3. number 3- the film was quite long. they should have had shortened it.

Conclusion: see it for the beauty of the set and the costumes. in general if you really not a big fan of this novel or a fanatic on japanese culture then this movie can be a skip for you.